My web host is actting up. They got a new IP address and it’s really screwing up my blog and it’s totally fucked up Gina’s blog……..Sorry Gina.

I’m so tired today. Jose had to work last night and I did all my good wife stuff before He left. I fixed his lunch, laid out His clothes and made His coffee. He could tell when He woke up i was not in the mood to even talk to Him. I hugged Him good bye before He left and it was the strangest hug . I put my arms around Him and hugged Him tight but He just kind of didn’t even hold me. He said He was afraid i would get mad at him. Honestly i didn’t give a damn. He left for work and i did my evening chores. He wasn’t gone 20 minutes before He started calling. I’ll be honest i didn’t want to talk to Him and i didn’t answer the phone every time He called.

Over and over last night He wanted me to tell Him how much i’m in love with Him finally i told Him….” Look i’m not the one that fucked up this time and it should be YOU proving your love not ME”. Finally i think something snapped inside Him because He started saying He was sorry and i told Him to please stop calling me about 5am so i could get some sleep but i told Him to think about if He was in my shoes how would He feel and what would He do……..He called me back about 8am and told me He would be hurt, devistated, confused, and would leave me. and i said yep i feel that way right now.

Maybe i’m stupid for staying, maybe i was stupid for ever entering into this venture but i do love Him……Do i trust Him…..HELL NO. I’m 40 now and i’m tired of being treated like shit over and over. I just don’t know how to stop this pattern. I’ve changed so much in the past five years. I’m still a very submissive woman but i refuse to be a stupid woman. I have to stop making stupid mistakes.

I have to wonder if maybe i deserve this some how ……

Why didn’t i see this coming? I’ve asked myself that all day today. To be honest all i can think about is Jose going to work tonight so i can climb in bed and sleep. I’m so tired………heart broken and mad at MYSELF……..

If someone would have asked me yesterday how i felt about my marriage i would have said it was great…..today an hour after i woke up all that changed. I won’t go into all the deep dark details but i will say i’m very much a heart broken woman today. Our marriage is very much at a cross roads and i hope things work out but this time i’m honestly not sure it will.

Jose ( Sir ) and i have been through a lot in our ten years and we’ve seemed to work through it every time but this time the situations not the same. I told Sir i feel like he’s put the brakes on our relationship this time and i’m not sure it can ever move forward again. I feel like i had a brick wall up around me when i got a divorce from my first husband and it Jose a long time to bring my walls down but today those walls are back up higher then they ever have been before.

I’m so shocked…I don’t know how we got here so i sure as hell don’t know how to go back. I feel like someone sent me out into the forest without my candy to find my way back. Sad thing about this is there was no fighting, yelling, screaming or hitting of any kind. It was just me reading a few emails and then climbing back in bed alone and crying for about an hour and then Jose telling me he never meant to hurt me….then when i looked at him and reminded him this was not the first time he changed it to he never meant to hurt me AGAIN………. I hate that word AGAIN.

To make this situation even more tragic for ME….i had just signed up to go to St. Phillips College’s so i could first take Culinary Arts classes and then Baking and Pastry Arts some how i had this crazy idea of opening up a little bakery. Honestly someone slap me. What was i thinking? Instead i’m going back to work monday cutting hair ( which i hate to do..i’m burnt out of cutting some hair ) but i need to make sure if anything happens i have money in savings and i can take care of myself.

Here’s my stupid question for today…..If Jose and i split up do i get to keep Nico? He’s always saying Nico’s my dog but he paid for him……..

Ok with that being said can someone go to the store and buy me some tissues with lotion on them because these are really messing my nose and eyes up……..

Jose says he’s in love with me………in my opininon how can you be in love with someone and keep hurting them over and over? Ok it’s not even 7pm but i need to go to bed. Good night.

oh yeah…one more thing………If it seems to good to be true……….it probably is.